Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.