If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.