I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

"Little Boy Blue"

Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.

Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!

– Darren Sardelli

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.