What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!