There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson