What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.