There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.