Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.