How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.