Jokes > Search Results > ecm system examples

ecm system examples Jokes

ecm system examples Jokes and more.
Quotes
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The Engineers and the Busted Car
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
Just a Beetle...
A rich man just got his brand new Jaguar, equipped with everything. He was whistling to himself, enjoying the ride, when he encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change. While he was waiting, a tiny Beetle also drives up. The rich guy looked at the little car and couldn't help himself, he had to brag. "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, on-board computer control system, photo-chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, and this, and this..." At this point the Beetle owner interrupted. "That's nice, but do you have a hair blower in there?" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The rich man in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the car. A few days passed, and the rich man was looking for that Beetle, until he finally found it in another light. He got out of his car and quickly knocked on the other's window. "Yea?" Said the other man impatiently. "I got that hair blower too, now." said the rich man proudly. "Nice," the other man said, "but do you have THIS?" and he shows the rich guy a tiny microwave oven built into the dashboard. "N... no. I have to say I don't." "Well, talk to me when you have a REAL car, then!" and with that, the Beetle takes off. The rich man goes back to the dealership and this time has a special microwave AND an oven put into his car. Once again the Jaguar was at a traffic light when the man spotted the Beetle. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the car. After a few moments, the beetle owner poked his head out. "I installed an oven." said the rich man proudly. "Ugh,' the mini-man responded. "you got me out of the shower for THIS?"
The Joys of Being Over 70
There are some unexpected joys about being on the other side of 70, for example... Kidnappers aren't very interested in you. In a hostage situation, you will probably be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. Or run at all. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?” People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won’t wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. You get into a heated argument about pension claims. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won’t get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. And you may not remember who sent you this list.
Horse Puns
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Windows vs. Ford
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: "If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Peach Puns
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
The Australian Discovery
A few decades ago, an American, a Russian, and an Australian were having dinner. The American says "We are so advanced, we have built airplanes that can go to outer-space." The other two ask, "What? Outer-space?". The American says, "Not exactly, but just a few inches below". After some time, the Russian says, "We are so advanced, we built a submarine that touches the seabed". The other two ask, "What? The actual seabed?". The Russian says, "Not exactly, just a few inches higher". Then, the Australian says, "Well, we have been advanced for centuries. For example, we can pee with our belly buttons!" The other two ask, "what? Belly button?". The Australian says, "Well, not exactly, just a few inches lower."
Nerdy Pick Up Lines
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
Medieval Puns
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
The Young Priest's First Job
Josh was excited. As his first official duty as a parish priest, fresh out of school, he got to officiate his first funeral for a homeless man with no friends or family. The young priest vowed to give him the most loving send-off, the love he probably missed in this life. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery across town and this man was the first to be laid to rest there. New to the area, Father Josh arrived late, but noticed a few workers gathering around the grave opening. The young and enthusiastic priest poured out his heart and soul as he gave his sermon and recited the prayers. His voice was so evocative and powerful that he brought the cemetery workers to tears. When the service was over, the priest thanked the workers for listening and walked to his car. As he opened the door, Josh heard one worker say to the other, “I've never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for over 20 years!"
Working at The Circus
So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”. Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus. A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says. “Hi, is this the circus?” “Yes.” “I’ve heard you’re hiring.” “You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?” “Alex.” “Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?” “Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.” “O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...” “No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!” “Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...” “No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!” “...” “...” “Goodbye, sir.” She hangs up the phone. Alex sits there for a few seconds before he realizes he forgot something. “Oh darn, I forgot to tell her I’m a horse.”
Brain Puns
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
One Liners and Short Jokes
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Tax Quotes
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
Charm School
Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive." Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman boasted, "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cried. "For heaven's sake, child, what on Earth for?" "Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a damn,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'
Buffalo Puns
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Anti Jokes
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Sorry Pick Up Lines
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Computer Science Pick Up Lines
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
Space Pick Up Lines
How about you and I form a binary system?
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
Cookie Puns
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
The Old Lady and the Bank CEO
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money. She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office. She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!” Bank president: "How can I help you madam?" She (Old Lady): "I would like to open a new account and deposit this money." He: "How much money do you like to deposit?" She: "$180,000 Please." (Started dumping the whole amount on his table) The bank president was a bit surprised. "How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!" She: "Oh, it's nothing illegal. I make bets." He: "What kind of bets?" She: "For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I'm right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I'll pay you $10,000!" The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he's a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately. She: "Okay then, I'll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don't try to dodge the bet! No regrets!" Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement. It was so bizarre, he didn't even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn't sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal. The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness. She: "Can I check your hands now Sir?" He: "Yes. Go ahead." She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm. Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall. The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer's strange behavior. Lawyer: "She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can't believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!"
Tennis Puns
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Noah, We Have a Problem...
Some years ago, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."  He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."  Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.  "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"  "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.  "I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.  "Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.  "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!  "When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.  "Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.  "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.  "Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..  "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.  "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.  "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."  Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Does this sign mean you're not going to destroy the world, oh Lord?".  "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it." 
My First Sermon
A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation's attention. "Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them," the cleric told him. "For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'" He smiled at the young vicar's shocked look before adding, "She was my mother." The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman." He was pleased with the instant reaction, then panic-stricken. "But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"
A Senator at a Primary School
A senator is visiting a primary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," the Senator says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the Senator. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer. "What?" asks the Senator, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying a Senator was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." "Marvelous!" the Senator beams. "And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
Murphy's Laws of Computing
Murphy's Laws of Computing: 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
10th Time Lucky?
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but why?" "Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Bear Puns
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Computer Jokes
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Music Puns
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
The Farmers and the Logic Test
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers. Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
We're Saved!
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing." "Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Our problems are over, there's no way they will fail to find us now!"
Puns
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Firefighter Lovemaking Rules
A firefighter came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night." His wife thought it was a bit strange but also kinda kinky, so she agreed. The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" "What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband. The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."
Beer Puns
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
Art Puns
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
Reason for Emigration
It's Soviet Russia, 1978, and Rabinovich is woken up by a knock on the door. Rabinovich: "Who's there?" A firm voice responds: "Post office. Please open." Rabinovich opens the door and is unsurprised to find Two KGB agents standing there. One of them is holding an envelope. KGB officer 1: "Tell us, Comrade Rabinovich, what is the best government system in the world?" Rabinovich: "Why, Communism." KGB officer 2: "And what country has the best living standards?" Rabinovich: "The Soviet Union, of course." Officer 1: "And what constitution is the best at protecting the rights of the citizens?" Rabinovich: "The Soviet Constitution, Comrades." Officer 2: "Then do you mind explaining to us, Comrade Rabinovich, why you have recently filed a request to emigrate to France?" Rabinovich: "Well, I heard that over there, they don't deliver the mail in the middle of the night."
Canadian Pick Up Lines
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Their Heavenly Vehicle
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, "You, Charlie, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge." Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, "You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, "You, Buck, have set a fine example. You did not have s*x until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck's Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Buck?" they asked. "You got a Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?" Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
What Computer Acronyms Really Mean
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms, so here's a list: WWW World Wide Wait COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis DOS Defective Operating System OS/2 Obsolete Soon 2 BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft SAP Slow And Painful BSDO Blue Screen of Death Google Gradually Overcoming Our Ghastly Legal Environment Yahoo You Always Have Other Options
Enlglysh is a Pane
Hear eye sit inn English class; the likelihood is that eye won't pass An F on my report card wood bee worse than swallowing glass It's knot that eye haven't studied, often till late at knight Butt the rules are sew confusing, eye simply can't get them write Hour teacher says, "Heed my advice, ewe must study and sacrifice" Butt if mouses are mice and louses are lice, how come blouses aren't blice The confusion really abounds when adding esses two nouns Gooses are geese, butt mooses aren't meese; somebody scent in the clowns Two ultimatums are ultimata, and a couple of datum are data Sew wouldn't ewe expect it wood bee correct fore a bunch of plums to be plata? And if more than won octopus are octopi, and the plural of ox is oxen Shouldn't a couple of busses bee bussi and a pare of foxes bee foxen? Let's talk about spelling a wile, specifically letters witch are silent Words like "psychologist" and "wreck" shirley make awl of us violent And another example quite plane witch is really hard two explain If it's eye before e except after sea, then what about feign and reign? The final exam will determine how eye due, weather eye pass ore fail I halve prepared as much as eye can down two the last detail I'm ready two give it my vary best inn just a little wile And then isle take a relaxing wrest on a tropical aisle. (By Alan Balter)
Management Knows Best
A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wanted a rematch next year so they could save face. The other company agreed. Right away, the Swedish team started to examine the reason they lost. The company created a special task force. After a lengthy examination for several months, the report was submitted that it appeared the Japanese team had one person at the helm and the rest were rowing. On the Swedish team, one person was rowing as the rest were at the helm. After this report, the company decided to hire a consultant to solve the issue. After experts went through the findings of the task force for a few months the judgment was clear: there were too few people rowing and too many people at the helm. Armed with this knowledge, the Swedish company took swift action and the result was that there would be 2 steersmen, 2 senior steersmen, a captain and a rower. In addition, the rower was enrolled in a bonus scheme system to motivate him for better results. So a year went by and it was time for the rematch. Surprisingly, the Japanese won again, this time by 3 kilometers! The Swedish company management knew exactly what to do. They fired the rower due to poor performance, got large bonuses for all managers for their initiative in trying to solve the issue and for next year, they decided they would try to design a better boat.
The Rich Man, the Young Man & the Apples
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." "After that," the old rich man continued, "I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on." "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Drugstore Pick Up Lines
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
Funny Poem: The Three Little Pigs
The animal I really dig, Above all others is the pig. Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever, Pigs are courteous. However, Now and then, to break this rule, One meets a pig who is a fool. What, for example, would you say, If strolling through the woods one day, Right there in front of you you saw A pig who'd built his house of STRAW? The Wolf who saw it licked his lips, And said, 'That pig has had his chips.' 'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!' 'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!' 'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!' The little pig began to pray, But Wolfie blew his house away. He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham! Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!' And though he ate the pig quite fast, He carefully kept the tail till last. Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated. Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted Another little house for pigs, And this one had been built of TWIGS! 'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!' 'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!' 'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!' The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!' He then began to blow and blow. The little pig began to squeal. He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal! Why can't we talk and make a deal? The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!' And soon the pig was in his belly. 'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried, 'But still I'm not quite satisfied! I know how full my tummy's bulging, But oh, how I adore indulging.' So creeping quietly as a mouse, The Wolf approached another house, A house which also had inside A little piggy trying to hide. 'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried. 'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied. 'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff, And I don't think you've got enough.' Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew. The house stayed up as good as new. 'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said, I'll have to blow it up instead. I'll come back in the dead of night And blow it up with dynamite!' Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!' Then, picking up the telephone, He dialed as quickly as he could The number of red Riding Hood. 'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who? Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?' Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood! Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?' 'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied. 'What's on your mind...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried. 'I know you've dealt with wolves before, And now I've got one at my door!' 'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet, That's something really up my street. I've just begun to wash my hair. But when it's dry, I'll be right there.' A short while later, through the wood, Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood. The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze, And yellowish, like mayonnaise. His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw, And spit was dripping from his jaw. Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers. She draws the pistol from her knickers. Once more she hits the vital spot, And kills him with a single shot. Pig, peeping through the window, stood And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!' Ah, Piglet, you must never trust Young ladies from the upper crust. For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes, Not only has two wolfskin coats, But when she goes from place to place, She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.
Satan's Schedule
A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is. "You're in Hell," said the devil, appearing. "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is!" "What!?!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!" "Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realize - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here." Unconvinced, the guy prepared to object but the devil cut him off. "Let me give you an example," he said, "what's today? Monday right? Yes, Monday. Do you gamble?" "I gamble a little bit," said the guy, "I play poker with my friends every now and then and always have a bet on the big horse races." "Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Mondays, Monday is our gambling day. In the morning we play blackjack and roulette, at lunch we bet on the horses, in the afternoon we bet on sports games and at night we play cards. It's really a lot of fun, you're going to LOVE Mondays" "That does sound ok," said the guy, "but if it's all the same to you I want to talk to the man upstairs and see..." "Do you drink?" the devil interrupted. "Sure," said the guy, "everyone likes a drink every now and then." "Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Tuesdays, Tuesday is our drinking day. We wake up, have breakfast with amazing Bloody Marys that takes us to an early lunch where we have pizza and beer then drink beer and whiskey all afternoon until dinner time where we have the best wines, followed by port and cognac. A very popular day, you're going to LOVE Tuesdays." "That does sound pretty good," said the guy, "but..." "Do you ever do drugs?" said the devil. "I smoke pot every now and then," said the guy. "Perfect," said the devil, "then you're going to LOVE Wednesdays, Wednesday is our drug day. Probably our most popular day to be honest. We start off nice and easy with the finest hash, then move on to coke as a nice pick me up, then we go out and do ecstasy and dance and have a great time then we wind the day down with some top-notch heroin. And don't worry about the dangers because you're already dead! Yes you're going to LOVE Wednesdays" "Actually that sounds great," says the guy "Perfect," said the devil, "are you gay?" "No, I'm not." said the guy "Oh," said the devil, "then you're going to hate Thursdays."
One Good Deed...
A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that's bad. Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned. Exasperated, the angel says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said the angel, "That's actually very impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.