How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.