A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.