What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."