The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...