Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.