What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.