A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.