Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.