Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...