What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.