My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.