How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.