What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.