Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.