Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!