How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.