How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!