I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.