My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.