What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.