What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.