People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."