A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"