What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.