What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.