What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.