How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.