My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.