What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue