Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.