The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.