Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Calm before the score
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
By the seat of one’s punt
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Prepare to be bowled over.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Football is one habit I will never kick
I feel tail great!
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.