Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.