Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.