How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.