When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.