You know what they say? Words.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.