How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
You know what they say? Words.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes