What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.