Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”