Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Knock knock.
Come in.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
You know what they say? Words.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.