Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
You know what they say? Words.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”