What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.