Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.