How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.