Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Knock knock.
Come in.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.