What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
You know what they say? Words.