“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan