“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker