“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.