"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld