"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.