"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams