“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx