“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois