"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard