"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."