"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Time wounds all heels."