"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.