“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst