“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc