“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous