“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine