"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry