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Turns Jokes

Yard Puns
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Witch Puns
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Gorilla Puns
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Medieval Puns
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Gnome Puns
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Flamingo Puns
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Crow Puns
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Food Quotes
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
Poop Puns
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Funny Aging Quotes
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Food Poems
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
Onion Puns
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
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