Times

I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'