Times Jokes

“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Shell-abrate the good times!
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”

- Terry Pratchett.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”

- Alan Arkin.
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