Telling

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.
When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He than left, and never came back.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.

Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.

"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.