A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack "Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears. When you're worried, nobody feels your pain. When you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But fart just one time...
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting. Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it. "Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!" Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Guy walks into a bar. Sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says "You're getting laid tonight.” She replies “What are you, some sort of psychic?” He says “No... I’m just stronger than you."
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are molesters, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home... She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? They are both fun to ride till a friend sees you on them.