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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
One mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.