Lived Jokes

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
First we lived in kingdoms run by Kings, then Empires run by Emperors
Now we live in Countries...
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
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