Kept Jokes

"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
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