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Buying Jokes

Bread Puns
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Bed Puns
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Funny Marriage Quotes
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
Lemon Puns
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
Birthday Jokes
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
AC Unit Puns
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Deodorant Puns
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Crow Puns
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Fridge Puns
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Laundry Puns
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Corona Virus Jokes
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
Theater Puns
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"

The horse said "nay."

The pig squealed.
Closet Puns
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
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