The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?” The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.” The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?” “Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.” “D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?” “Yes ma’am, one of them does.” “W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”

A lion was walking proudly through the savanna, his head held high surveying the land before him. He comes across a boar, who cowers at the sight of him. "Hey, boar, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. "You, sir, of course", said the fearful boar. "Correct", said the lion, and moved on. He then comes across an antelope. "Hey, antelope, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. "Y-y-ou, s-s-ir", said the trembling antelope. "Darn right!", said the lion, and moved on. He then comes across an elephant. "Hey, elephant, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. The elephant, without saying a word, grabs the lion with his trunk, spins him around, and tosses him into a nearby muddy watering hole. The lion slowly crawls out, mud dripping, and mutters under his breath, "The temper some animals have... he could have just said, 'I don't know!'"