“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“ Unknown “I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:  ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".  Eleanor Roosevelt “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”  George Burns “Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.” Victor Borge “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” Mark Twain “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”  Jimmy Durante  “The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and  kindness, can be trained to do most things.”  Jilly Cooper  “I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”   “I was always a good housekeeper.  Whenever I divorced I always kept  the house.”  Zsa Zsa Gabor  “Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food  groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”  Alex Levine  “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop  dying.”  Ed Furgol  “Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant  form of misery.”  Spike Milligan  “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the  position.” Mark Twain “Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.” Herbert Henry Asquith  “I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my  nap.”  Bob Hope  “A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank  her.”  W C Fields “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”  George Burns  “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”  Unknown  “Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will  avoid you.”  Unknown  Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”  Unknown  “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go  anywhere.”  Unknown

A small town man decides to go to the city. He's a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there's nothing for it and heads in. Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are. "Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any bread, John makes it for him." The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a small grin he replies "No, mine is better!" And off he went to get the bread. Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. "Why this is Ted's Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any beer, Ted makes it for him." The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a bigger grin he replies "no, mine is better!" and off he went to get some beer. At their final stop, the butcher's shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. "So then Dad..." his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly. "Yes that's right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn't made any sausages...." he trails off. "... Tom makes them for you?" She asks hesitantly. "Yes that's right! You are a smart one!" He exclaimed. "And yours are better!!" She shouts. Beaming with pride he says "Exactly!" And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom. On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. "Hey Dad!" Exclaimed the little one. "It's Pete the Postman!" "Yes that's right" said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued "but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can't do what Pete does." "Oh yes!" she replied, "Mum says so too!"