300 Short Animal Jokes and Animal Puns!

Animals are such funny creatures, and in jokes, they often have very human-like personalities. This collection has over 50 long jokes and over 300 short jokes and puns - all about our animal friends.

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
Which day do fish hate the most?
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What does a cow put on his French toast?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What do you call an evil cow?
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
How do horses greet each other?
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
What do horses use to eat?
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.

Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.