Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!