How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers