There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.