Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."