The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"