It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi